I chomped down on my cornflakes with a purpose ... the crunch was echoing through the office and some wayward glance came my way but today I was in a D.K.D.C mode- what is that you ask – it’s Don’t Know Don’t Care!! I had a very big decision on my hands – and if you have seen how huge my hands (along with the rest of my body) is you can understand this was the mother of all decisions. To FB friend or not to FB friend !!! ok no you don’t get the gravity of it – this was not your garden variety FB request – This was a request from an EX!!!! Taaaeeuuutaaaeeeu(this is how it would sound if my heart could sing). Do you also sometimes feel like there is background music playing for all of your actions? No, you say – well then I am the only crazy one here. In my head – actions have a sound associated with it. Like when I miss the bus by that half a second – I can hear a ppaaapawwww- wrong answers always have “eaaaahhhhhh” ( game show buzzer sound) or when I crack a super joke I hear a “baadammbushhhh” ( you would be thinking given my sense of humor – this would be happening very rarely, right ? eaaahhhhhhhh – so wrong – I find my own jokes hilarious !!!! (please don’t judge me :( )

Anyways- I digress, so a few months ago on a perfectly fine day this …. This.. “thing” happened. My daily routine – as I am getting out of bed- even before my eyes are open, my hand has found the iphone by the bed- The first thing I do is my scrabble app – I forget so many things lately that it worries me some day I am going to forget where I live or that I am married ( which may be Biju’s lucky and only ticket out) – someone suggested scrabble / crossword to keep the brain “active” – so it’s been my first and religious action for some time now. As I pretended to dominate the online alphabet world – I then move to the one and trusty Facebook- there was a nice and welcoming “1” displayed next to My friends request- doesn’t that always make you smile – that number next to the friend request? – don’t lie – your heart does a little jiggy and you say to your self - ohh yeayy-  Noooo you say again? ;).

Anyways so seeing that request I let my figure poke the iPhone screen to reveal the details and lo behold – His name displayed on the screen - XYZ wants to be friends with you. My first thought was WHY … I mean why would anyone want to be friends with their Ex?!? For a minute leave aside the point that I ‘have’ stalked a few of my ex on Facebook ( serves them right for not updating their security settings) and danced my happy dance seeing their  increasing waistline and receding hairline ( ohh don’t look at me with those judgmental eyes- I know you’ve done that too!!) but I wouldn’t want to send them a friend request. That’s just so many degrees of awkward and wrong. I am sure there are some unwritten rules about such things …right? Like the toilet cubicle rule- unless there is none other available you DO NOT use adjacent cubicle to an occupied one?!? Don’t look at me like I am crazy.

Even by the end of my breakfast I was nowhere near making a decision… I could very well do the grown up thing and completely ignore it (Which I actually did do for almost a week) – I mean it works for everything else why not this!!! Hhuum somehow it didn’t sit right- I had to tackle this one head on. I finally decided to draw up some Pro’s and con’s and see where that took me- I will not bore you with that table but what I will give you a peek at the few sane/pg rated points of why I am Mad to even think of Accepting it and and ever bigger Dork for not accepting it :-

1)    He knows I used to wear White acid washed jeans – which I still may or may not have in my wardrobe ;)

2)   Do I really want to be reminded of my mistakes – to borrow words from someone else – when I think of it I wonder- was I drunk through the whole relationship!!

3)   But then we “were” good friends before it all soured – I mean the good times were good ;) 

4)   My first bike ride or rather – non platonic bike ride was with him – ohh my!!! Words cannot describe the thrill of sitting on a hot as bike with a cool as guy when you are in your teens and having a clandestine affair – yes I know the adrenaline rush!!

5)   Without accepting the request – I couldn’t not troll through his photos to poke fun and feel – ummmhumm ;) and just as I say this- I can see you all go into your settings and block me – baadaambushhh!!! Don’t worry – I don’t blame you- I would have done the same.

6) Somethings are better left in the past?...or are they?

What would you have done?

- yours questionably !!! :X

PS:- here is a Random photo of a bike - taken in Oz- happy figure-ing ( yes i just made that up - D.K.D.C :P )

India Blues?!!?!!

These yearly trips to India can be best describes as like hooking up with an ex- a very very steamy ex - It’s such a torrid love affair na – hot and sweaty- when you hook up again after a break -you cannot seem to get enough of each other at first, you re-discover things you did together that gave you toe curling pleasures – the places, the quirks. And then you feel spent -  you start noticing the burnout and remember why the long distance relationship did not work in the first place– sighhh. It’s been 4 days since I came back from India and - I am partly depressed. Just like getting over a hot ex – I am finding getting over this trip a little hard – such random incidents and thoughts keep swirling in my head - ok, let me share a few, only cause you insist ;)

Ok- I know this one is weird but its on top of mind – cause it happened when we were out shopping and well shopping and I are … let’s just say – we laab each other - we have "best buds" tattoos and keep photos of each other in our wallet ;)

Her billboard took up most of wall outside the mall. A petite model ( read  as size Zero) looking over her shoulder at the mirror in her bedroom- from here it gets a bit confusing- she is dressed in frilly pink undies  and a tank top. Try as I might – I couldn’t figure out what was being advertised, then I looked at the print “reebok Shoes" and I thought “yeah right – her shoes is EXACTLY what I thought  < insert sarcastic rolling eyes here> ; Actually it reminded me of another print I saw here in Singapore – a “perky” model lay on the beach in an excuse of a bikini. Her pose – well.. to keep it PG rated let us just say that she was “stretched” in the sand with her back arched and one hand over her head. She had a beach hat and a beach basket next to her. I hazarded a guess – beach wear / accessories – Welll – “eeaaahhh”( that’s my take on how a game show buzzer would sound in print)  wrong answer !!! The ad was for an Esprit watch- wait – where is wally..sorry I mean where is the watch? – ohhhh right there it is – it’s in the other hand resting on her…. Well its PG rated so let’s leave it to your imagination.

If you are in India and you don’t think about food then – Something is wrong with you!!! With rainy season - people falling sick around me like flies and D-day or rather the W-day just round the corner I could not afford to eat out and join the queue at the doctors or the toilet. But the ever alluring Pani puri – kept rearing its head – every street corner had a Pani puri wala beckoning me – ummmmm H-A-VE –TO- RESISST..(droolll) Well finally my sister in law- Monal came to my rescue- She is gujrathi and making awesome pani puri is in her DNA. Even if she wanted to she cannot make a bad pani puri. The plate you see below – well.... this was just a warm up round – I may or may not have reached the half century mark – if you don’t have proof I deny any knowledge ;)

Coming back to shopping – cause yes baby I cannot stay away ;)- We shopped – and then we shopped and cause there were still hours left in the day we shopped some more!! On one of our saree shopping trip – Biju and my brother Rohan tagged along cause they wanted to be included in the action – Normally what would have taken us a couple of hours took us 5 !!! by the end of it I am sure every person in the shop knew us, about the wedding and even what our blood group was – no I am NOT kidding !! As luck may have it we all got stuck in the shop lift on our way out – while my mother hyperventilated – the rest of us were giggling; until the guy from outside said  “wazan jyada ho gaya hoga “ ( must have exceeded weight limit) – and it may not surprise you that at this precise moment every one was looking at me with accusing eyes( damnit!!). Below is a photo of my mom trying out sarees followed my the Oommen boys waiting for their suit trial – and if you have seen the wedding photos – you will know that they looked hoowt!

Ok, so saree shopping has to be followed by a blouse stitching- so as customer of this century I took along some styles that I had shameless snapped from other shops. I showed my tailor the following photo – he looked at me – spit his paan to one side, looked me in the eye and told me – "you cannot pull it off" – and again I do not kid!!

If tradition is to be believed – we both should hate each other or at least mildly dislike each other. My mother in law on the other hand is pure mush- we get along well and in the decade long relation we have never even had an argument and I find that troubling sometimes - you see when a lot of my friends gossip about their respective mother in laws – I am the dork without anything to contribute. Its been some time since they have revoked my membership to the MIL gossip club. Anyways – she was my one ardent iphone photo buddy – even as we went to friends / relative house to give invitation we would sneek some photos ;) – below is one of them

On this trip we took possession of our first EVER unit- sorry if I cannot keep the pride and joy out of my words. Before we saw our new house, Biju and I visited the first place we lived together as couple. It was a small studio on the top floor - we rented it with the last of our saving. It only had enough space for  1 single bed, 1 small cupboard. Only 1 person could stand in the kitchen at one time- water was available only 2 hours a day- if we forgot to fill the water tank during that time – we had to go over and ask a neighbor for half a bucket –we lived there for the first year of our marriage- it was DE BEST place ever!!! Below are photos of the kitchen window and the building – don’t judge a book by its cover ;)

Following that is the nameplate outside our new place in Pune – sighhh – life has come a long way :D

 

This trip also had a lot of traveling between Bombay - Pune - the scenery on the way is just mind blowing - we sometime so easily forget what a beautiful country we live in. This was the time that Biju and I used to catch up with each other or when Biju "dozed" off ( as you see from the following photo) I used to chat with my mates online - 3G - you have been a trusty friend.

And this last photo I am posting just in case tomorrow I become famous and some one needs to bring me down a notch- they can use this ;). Or if they can use - at not cost - if they need to scare the crap otta some one :D

Your homesickly :)

smacks and cuddles

Its funny how certain places/ sounds/ smells can trigger repressed memories- some of my childhood yaddein are so fuzzy that I am not sure if they really happened or did I just make them up all in my head( yes it’s a very well loved and practiced trait of mine – and no, I do not have imaginary friends – unfortunately even they don’t seem to like me much). 

Anyway so coming back to triggers – on my recent trip to Pune – I heard the smack –smack of someone dusting a carpet in their courtyard and that sound made me reach for my bum ( wait- wait – hold on to your fertile imagination) That smacking sound reminded me of the time when my mom smacked the bejezzes outta me right on the road till we reached home cause I went somewhere without telling her- yep – it was free for all- to watch drama being played out in my colony and till this date my brother and I do not dare to walk outta the house without telling my mom.

I am sure it doesn’t come as a surprise to you that I was a …emmm… handful child- so this wasn’t the first and last time that I got wacked on the road. The second showing happened due to my misplaced sense of fairness – A close friend of mine was invited to a function and I wasn’t- obviously this did not sit right with my kid sense of justice and equality  – so I took it unto myself to rectify the situation and invited myself to the programme and of course I did not stop there – I went and had a feast – mingled with the guest ( at age 9-10 my social skills/ etiquettes  were at their best – over the years obviously they have diminished to nothing). As the news of my “extracurricular” activities reached my mom- OHHH MYY GOWWDD- she was furious beyond ….. Actually I don’t even have words to describe the fury. Ohh ohh the hiding I received that day – phataakkkk phatttaakkk - even the memory makes it painful to sit down.

Fortunately or unfortunately these memories are followed by some happy memories of countless hugs and cuddles with a few dollops of piss-ur-pants laughter. I guess the ration of whacks to cuddles was quite ok - so there goes my chance of using my childhood as a a reason for my quirks ( dammmit).

My most distinct happy memories are from the time that my mom used to read stories to us. After my brother and I came home from school in the afternoon, had our lunch we used to all cuddle up in bed with the daily paper. My mom in the middle and us two on either side – she always had to look up straight and was never allowed to face either side as that would mean uneven show of love ( yep – that sense of fairness again). She used to read us Chintu ( equivalent of Garfield) and stories –we used to then discuss moral of the articles- make fun of each other and mostly talk over each other to make our point ( yep that habbit I definetly have carried into adulthood). That peaceful sleep that you get cuddled up to your mom – ohhh- sniff sniff. But moms are like that right – titanium coating and insides of pure marshmellow . To actually note the numerous acts of love and care here is obviously impossible but a few that just make my day even today:-

The endless chatter over a cup of chai – (yep that’s where the chai love affair started)

That special sabji in lunch box for Saturday – just because she knew how much I hated getting up early on a Saturday half day school

Hiding behind her pallu and coming into the house when baba made me stand outside the house for coming home later than my curfew

Being fed garam garam rice and dal by mom’s hands cause you had a crap day at school

Bandaids never healed the scrapes and bruises – it was always her kisses and hugs.

No need to say it – I already know know how much of a duhhhh I am and proud of it too ;) – anyway here is a recent photo of the two oommens with amma :)- i tried to straighten the photo but my technical handicap wouldn't allow it - so either twist your head or you laptop ;)

scratch my back too!!!

OMG!! it has finally happened- you know the stuff that you always know happens but feel - Ohh!! that would never happen to me <pompass smirk>. The revelation has come quite innocently too. A friend of mine ( yes - don't be surprised i do have some disillusioned souls that i somehow hang on to)- so anyways - this friend of mine commented on how long hair suited me better based on some old photos that he saw of me on facebook- blah blah. So I was thinking " i wonder how he looked in his younger days" - so I looked up his profile and lo-behold - i was blocked !!!! WT @##! i though. So you mean I show u mine and you don't show me yours !! so i scratch your back and you DON'T scratch mine - instead you slap my bottom (weather i like that or not is besides the point for now).

I know its idiotic to even consider in this day and age that facebook friends = real life friends- but you know me - drama queen and all - i love to live by my fantasies. And if my dis-illusionmnet is to be believed - i technically have 187 friends ( that # could very well be my weight but lets not digress). Not even half of that number would be an accurate depiction of the friends / acquaintances I have been in touch with over the last - forget months - year!! Am i embarrassed about it - well i would be lying if i said no - I mean who really likes to feel they aren't interesting / approachable / friendship-able ( yes - i know i totally made up that word - but who cares - not even half of you are going to read my blog and not even half of those are going to leave a comment - ehhem ehhem)

So to the voyeuristic lot of my "facebook friends" - i will soon have to face a very hard truth and count my blessing or friends in this matter and cull the rest - i might even end up with a single digit next to my friends count.

Sniff... if we don't virtually see each other again then I hope you know i will surely miss:-

1) your notes that you did NOT post on my wall

2) you comments on my photos and post that you thought and never wrote!!

3) your once a year "happy b'day anu - have a good one"

4) I will miss not having shared your funny / sad /irritating status updates and got to know you more ( and gossiped about you behind your back)

5) I will miss not seeing your photos - adding my stupid comments which will definitely have one of the following "awwww" "nice" "cute' "ohhhh..'( thinking of which i dont blame you for blocking me )

6)and most of all I will miss having missed the chance to be real life friends than just "facebook friends" ( i promise i am more friendable in real life - that's it -its an official word now that i have used it twice in a span of 5 mins)

<hugs>

From Mars or Venus !!

How did I end up here ?!?! Ok wait, no-no I am not asking about how I was born!! That painful birds and bees conversation my parents attempted would have cost me a fortune in therapy but for the amazing power of denial !! – It never happened ;) How confusing was it at that age right !! – that secrecy and the explanation through metaphor and then the bloody Bollywood movies to confuse you- I kid you not at one time I used to think to make babies you had to sing a song in the garden and end it with a kiss – ohhh the innocence ;)

Anyway, before I digress more – let me come back to my despair quote – This is what I was thinking as I stood in the orchard shopping mall while Biju and another male friend of ours played “dress up” in the change room. It was perfect Sunday afternoon – perfect for a siesta that is (the greatest gift French gave the world). I mean I could very well have said no, how hard would it have been – just two alphabets – Naa ohhh!! But somehow I got sucked in to the loving wifely responsibilities and more importantly friendship responsibilities.  

Having gained and lost (mostly lost – I mean if you are reading this blog, you probably know me less than 6 months and can still tolerate me ;)) so many friends I think there are some unwritten rules of mate ship and one of them includes “ thy shall accompany ‘mate’ to shop fest”- actually a few more from the top of my head are: -

•   thy will hug a friend when they need one – Even if they didn’t ask for it
•   thy will slap a friend when they  need one – Even if they didn’t ask for it
•   thy will not ask why they are calling at 2 in the morning – you will just rock up and help hide the evidence ;)
•   thy will tell a friend when their ass looks big in that
•   thy will give up Sunday afternoon for friends shopping spree –

   

sighhh…… and this exactly what I was doing. I know what you are thinking, I am a girl – how can I not like shopping (I probably have signed a petition to make it a national sport). But you see this was a “male- shopping” day – and idiot that I was I automatically assumed – it would be a wham bam thank you mam’ affair. Well I was proven wrong for the second time. You see I have very recently come across this truth -men secretly looove shopping and only put up a facade to live by some “man –code” and avoid being called “princess” by their male mates (more on that latter). I had to look in amazement and trust me I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eye – but they both actually went to each shelf in the shop – talked fashion - about colours and coordinating. At a certain point they discussed moving the shopping expedition to Zara and then to GAP– THEY KNEW NAMES!!! < insert jaw dropping expression here>- and were willing to look around rather than go and grab the first thing they saw!!!!! WTH was happening here – have I been away from civilisation for that long that I missed this amazing evolution in the Male DNA – are men also from freaking Venus?!!!

If you do not believe me just have look at this photo of a casual boys day out !!!

I sometimes have this strong urge to send God a “We need to talk…” email. (Yes, I know I am weird – get over it). I mean yes, He is “O”wesome – you read it right, I spelt it with an O- but there are few things he definitely has to bring out in the clear.

Just about now Biju is wringing his hands at my blasphemy and few of my gay friends have begun a long email on how God is a She not a He (yes, I know I am going straight to hell!) Anyways so coming back to the point don’t you ever wish you could sit down with the Almighty and ask him not “busy day ehh...” but “how come…. “( yes I love my how comes!!)

Let me explain, it happened a few weeks ago at the mall – she walked towards me wafting some expensive perfume. Her size 6 waist swayed in her snug micro short- shorts and her tank top showed off a perfectly flat midriff. While Biju pretended to not notice her while opening ogling (cannot blame the fellow – poor thing has to hang out with me all day!!) I couldn’t help the stab of jealously striking straight through my heart. And then I noticed it – right in front of me – she was eating a bucket full of chips drizzled with what looked like mayo. WAIT- justtAA- Darn- Minute!! She has THAT abs with Those chips and I get a muffin top for my lettuce diet!!! and that’s when I thought that’s it; God we need to talk….. amongst other things

… about how I haven’t won the lotto yet.

…. about how you can let people like Himesh Reshmiya / justine bieber call themselves singer- where is my bollywood call!!

…. about how you let me walk out of the house thinking “daaayyamm – this new dress is howwtt on me” (no- modesty isn’t my colour) while you very well know the price tag is hanging out at the back!!

…… about how after a full month of grueling regimen at the gym I lose 300 grams!!! and 5 days for Biju yields 2 kg loss – uncool God, very uncool

….. about how you are so unfair with your distribution of qualities – some get killer looks, brains and freaking metabolism and I get..... chubby !!

I have this sneaky suspicion that the re-runs of my misfortune are running in a loop on a TV in some waiting lounge in heaven …. Do u feel so too?

PS: God I love you – Peace ;) _\/_

  

How.. come !!!

Ok, so I managed to do it again … you know that thing we do but really don’t wanna … make a complete and utter fool of myself in public. It was as innocent an action as can be – walking down the gym stairs. I had just finished a good workout – you know the kind that makes you feel – “I am so ooowesome ;) ” ( don’t lie, I know you feel that) and following my trainer down the staircase when I missed a step and fell. It wasn’t just a fall- it was a fall accompanied by a loud sound…a few strings of expletives and all the grace of a rolling sack of potatoes. It’s funny how it happened in an instant but in my mind it was in super slow –mo…. You know like in Baywatch ;)… nuuu….oooooo…hhhhhh……Dhadam! @#@#$#$%$.....

See even all of this is fine, the fall, pain…. what is not fine is that at that precise moment every freaking person in that gym was looking my way… what are the odds ..huhh!!! You all know how gyms are right… people cannot stop admiring themselves in any reflective surface possible…but somehow the universe aligned to have them turn and look EXACTLY in my direction. How come .. how come!!! Actually this made me think about a few troubling “how comes” in my life

How come … whatever I may be looking for is always in the last box /tin.

How come .. when I keep something so carefully to find it quickly later.. I forget where carefully is!

How come… when I am looking for my keys in the purse they are the last thing I find and the first when I am looking for something else.

How come … Biju can sometime read my mind, complete my sentence …know precisely what I am saying with just a look but when I tell  YELL to keep the toilet seat down, I might as well be speaking French!!

How come … the moment I buy a gadget its on sale the next freaking day.

How come… even after 30 years my mom will not hesitate to smack me for back talk and I will accept that I deserved it.

How come … I will go to the shop to buy milk…. Get 143 dollars worth of stuff and return home with out the MILK!!! Done this so many times- its beyond funny.

How come.. I know EXACTLY what juice / ice-cream flavor I want.. Until.. Biju orders his- then I want that flavor!!!

How come… it takes me less than 20 minutes to decide on what to wear to work/ get ready and walk out of the house but I can spend hours opening and closing the refrigerator door deciding on what to cook for dinner.

AND

How come all of your will read this and still not post a comment !!! ahhhem aheem